what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
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Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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