the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
