I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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