I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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