I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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