I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
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he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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