you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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