I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
