you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
