I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
