What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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