I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
