Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
