When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Can you bring me the toilet please
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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