I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
