my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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