I am puke
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
