Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
where does the pee come out of this thing
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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