I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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