We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
