After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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