Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I would ride that face into the sunset
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
