i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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