I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
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