I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
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So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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