There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
