we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
