So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
