The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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