ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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