Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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