A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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