nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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