I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
