We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
