3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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