Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
