i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
