my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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