Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
