I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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