dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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