Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
