everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
