Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
