I wanna bring you to show and tell
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
