I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
