you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
