You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
