i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
