If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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