I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
