The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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