Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
