Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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