i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
