you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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