i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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